Diwali Blues

Diwali is my favorite festival on all accounts. The food, fireworks, rangoli, decorating home with diyas,

friend gatherings, all of it.  I am all in.

Not this year. This year I was deep in Diwali blues. 

It started on the first day of Diwali or even before that; when we all started receiving Diwali greetings on

WhatsApp. I did not want to open the images, did not want to reply back. Being in the profession, I

noticed it right away. So I did what I always tell my clients. Do the opposite action. Do something positive

even if you don’t feel like it. So I changed FB cover image, replied to all WhatApp messages, sent Diwali

greetings to everybody, especially in India because they have already started celebrating and said to

myself,” tomorrow will be better.” 

Well, it did not work. The somber mood stayed over. Thanks to the conference on Saturday,

I was busy enough to not think about it. Sunday dawned with feeling low. I felt myself tearing up for

no reason. Then I analyzed the thoughts. Why?? Why now?? 

The main reason was kids did not come home for Diwali. Practically, it was not possible for them, and

I get that. Still,  ‘Dil hai ke manta nahi’. My children are my world and even though it has been a while

since they have moved away; on festive occasions I still miss them very much. My feeling intensified

when I saw the pictures on FB of families celebrating together. My logical mind was telling me that it’s

alright. That’s how it will be. That I came here and left my family back in India, etc, etc. My emotional

mind was taking over. Everything felt fake. All the celebrations felt as empty and hollow as the fall trees in

the yard, ripped by the strong winds. Why do we put up this facade every time?  Diwali in the US is not

going to be the same with some of our beloved family missing from the celebrations. We can put on the

act, decorate houses and ourselves as much as we can, but it’s not the real thing. Who are we kidding?

We are stuck in this limbo of two cultures, two very different worlds and there is no way out of it. 

We have been celebrating Diwali with all the enthusiasm since the kids were little. Now that they have

moved away, it is not as important to them as it is to me. Did I fail in instilling my culture, their heritage in

them? My logical side knows that they are born and grew up in the US so probably Thanksgiving and

Christmas are close to them than Diwali and Ganpati. And again my emotional mind does not want to

hear that. 

I thought about the huge gap between me and my close relatives in India. Even though WhatApp call is

free for all, not one of them thinks of calling me to wish happy Diwali. Just forwarding greetings on

WhatsApp seems like they don’t care enough. I am non-existent, forgotten from their celebrations

because they got used to it. Got used to me not being around for almost 30 years now. It is not their fault.

They are surrounded by enough relatives and friends so they do not feel the need. Most of them have

not lived outside of their town or country so they do not understand my need.  I call everyone because it

is my need. Logically this is good. Emotionally, hell! 

What’s the point?? Why do we celebrate Diwali, Ganpati, Thanksgiving and Christmas?

How do I stop this battle of emotions? 

I felt lonely, lost all my energy, felt like my heart has sunken in. Felt like a river of tears is waiting to

drown me. 

Then I got up. Got busy cleaning the house and decorating it.  

 Have you ever felt like this?  How do you get out of it? What’s your trick?